


If Only

by acacia59



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-08-02
Packaged: 2017-12-22 04:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/908863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acacia59/pseuds/acacia59
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the words you never say that you regret the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

 

MONDAY

_You kneel in front of our guitarist and the tension between the two of you is palpable. I grit my teeth and grip the bass tighter. You circle the stage and when you come close, close enough for me to see the perspiration glossing your caramel skin, I growl, “I don’t want you to ever go near Brian like that again.”_

_You gape at me. “You should be mine.” I seize your wrist and pull you closer…_

I blink and let my bass hang loose from my neck. Robert Plant writhes against Brian and I am left impossibly cold.

 

TUESDAY

_“Fred, I am not going to wear this.” I look down at the leather trousers in dismay, pretty sure that I do not have the legs or charisma to pull them off._

_“Nonsense,” you say, tugging on the hem. “You look stunning, dear.” Your hand lingers on my thigh. Our eyes lock._

_I gulp, gathering my courage. “Freddie, I can’t let you touch me like that without letting you know my feelings for you…”_

I pause, halfway through pulling on a pair of trousers that would be ridiculous for attending a school play. _What the hell am I doing?_

 

WEDNESDAY

_You tuck the pale white bloom behind my ear and sigh. “It’s unbearably lovely here, isn’t it?”_

_I glance at the camera crew, the tea ceremony, Roger and Brian all a short distance away and lean closer to you. “Almost as lovely as you.”_

_Your eyes widen and you lick your lips. I take my chance and kiss you, the scent of roses heavy in the back of my throat._

Blood wells up slowly and trickles down the side of my arm. I toss the dry, brown rose canes with the compost, my only task for the day complete.

 

THURSDAY

_“’When you’re in need of love, they give you care and attention,’ yeah, that’s great…real great. Maybe more emphasis?”_

_It’s late and the studio’s deserted. I watch you listen to the playback of our song, too mesmerized to really care about mixes. You turn towards me and I brush your face with my hand._

_“It’s true, you know…every word of that song. But I want more than that…”_

I slow the car and pull to the side of the road, shaking. I should be at the dentist’s and I have driven to The Town House without realizing.

 

FRIDAY

_“If you won’t tell him, then I will.”_

_I flush deeply and try to stop Roger from getting up and leaving the room. It was obviously a mistake to have told him._

_“No, stop, it’s not like this is some primary school crush,” I plead._

_“Ha! Maybe we should pass him a note instead.”_

_I press my hands to my burning cheeks. Roger stares at me. “Are you going to let me go or not?”_

_I nod and let go._

I set down the phone, Roger’s words still reverberating in my head and think about playing one last song.

 

SATURDAY

_“Freddie, I think I love you.”_

_The club is crowded and hot. Strange bodies press us closer together and I know that you can’t hear me over the pounding of the music._

_“What?!”_

_I feel reckless. “I said, I think I love you,” I shout._

_At that moment the din dies down as the song ends. I find myself shouting my confession into silence._

The stillness is complete. I lower my pint and realize I am the only customer in the pub at two in the afternoon. I don’t quite remember what it’s like to be in a crowd.

 

SUNDAY

_“John, I need to tell you…” Your voice is barely a whisper. “I have always loved you.”_

_I am frozen in place. “Freddie…I love you too…” Suddenly, I am overtaken by terror, an implacable certainty that I must have misunderstood. “As a friend.”_

Sometimes it is hard to believe that seven years have passed since your death. It’s only taken me this long to stop trying to rewrite all the moments in my life I regret. I remember them now with the harsh light of reality.

But I will never stop hearing your voice inside my head.

If only.

***


End file.
